I’m a terrible liar, I know this. I start laughing or smiling when I’m not being truthful, but I can’t stop. It’s never about anything important or serious, only trivial things, but still I do it and I’m not sure why.
“I know how to play the guitar, but I haven’t touched it since my best friend’s ex-boyfriend broke the E-string.”
That last part is true. One afternoon during my winter break freshman year, my best friend Jillian, her sister and her then-boyfriend came over my house.
Her boyfriend saw my guitar sitting in the corner of my room and took it upon himself to start playing it. When he did that I was reminded of all the times I would see him playing his guitar in the hallway at our high school. Looking back, I’m pretty sure he was the reason I hated high school so much. Anyway, God must have been on my side that day because he broke my E-string and he stopped playing my guitar.
It’s been about three years since that happened and I still haven’t fixed it. That’s probably because I don’t know how to play the guitar. I tried to teach myself, but unlike with the piano, I got frustrated and put it in the corner of my room, where it’s been sitting since.
“That outfit looks great on you. I have that bag at home and I absolutely love it.”
One of the requirements for working in retail – though they don’t actually say this on the job description or when you’re training – is to have an uncanny ability to lie to customers so they will buy the things that you’re selling. It’s one of the things I hate most about working in retail.
“It was Alex who colored on the wall.”
This is partially true because my cousin Alex did color on his walls when he was younger. He just didn’t color the really intricate doodles on that one part of his wall. My aunt and uncle saw right through that one, unfortunately.
“I got an 1860.”
This is the score I tell people I got on my SATs. The truth is I got around a 1500 both times I took it. I blame the math section and my high school for not better preparing me for that section as the reason for my poor results. The only real chance I had at doing well on the SAT math section was freshman year during my Algebra 1 class. In Geometry and Algebra 2 Honors, I felt as though the teachers stopped caring. I don’t think they were ever paid enough to really care.
“I don’t care what I do for my birthday. In fact, I would prefer to just sleep all day and not see anyone. Parties are overrated and only for children.”
I really wanted a party every year even though my birthday is during the summer so everyone was either on vacation or I didn’t have a lot of friends. The jury is still out on that one.
“I don’t want a relationship. Ever. I don’t even know what my type is.”
To quote Hannah Horvath from season one of “Girls:” “I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world.” Although it is true that I don’t want a relationship right now, that doesn’t mean I am completely closed off to the idea. Eventually it would be nice to be in a relationship, but I don’t anticipate or really want to be in one, say, tomorrow. Maybe next week.
And I know what my type is. My type is someone who will listen to me when I speak, who won’t judge me for whatever reason and who will in the beginning be able to DTR – define the relationship.
I’m not expecting a dozen roses every single day – or any day, really – but I do expect that the person I am with is able to communicate with me and will let me come to them with my problems, no matter how trivial they may be. Is that too much to ask for?
“I am against marriage. I don’t want children, either.”
I am not against marriage. In my immediate circles I haven’t really seen marriage work out, but it’s not supposed to be easy. I’m not saying that your spouse is allowed to be a complete jerk to you, because that is not how a marriage is supposed to work. You aren’t supposed to be fighting all the time – whether it’s about money or that time you left your shoes on and tracked dirt throughout the house – but that doesn’t mean things are supposed to be perfect. You’re supposed to work at your marriage, I get that.
As for children, they may be cute but let’s be real, they can also be kind of gross. I like to deny that I was ever a child, but I think it would be weird to be married and not have at least one child. I’d personally like to have at least two children where they are close in age. My sisters and I are almost twenty years apart; it made for a lonely and pathetic childhood.
“It doesn’t mean anything to me.”
That was the one time I didn’t want to lie, but I ended up lying anyway. If it would make a difference, I’d never lie again.